Sunday, May 1, 2011

Untitled

It was a beautiful summer day, the wind was blowing and the sun was shining.  The day was almost perfect; I was waiting outside my friend’s house leaning on his black metal fence that was rusting and in obvious need of repairing.  I was staring at the road ahead of me, it was cracked and the paint that separated the two lanes where barely visible.  There was an empty lot directly across the street from where I stood.  It was nothing but a big patch of land that was filled with dirt and a few weeds. I remember thinking to myself how awesome the day was going to be, I was planning to play baseball all day and couldn’t wait to go to the park. As my friend came out of his house, there were shouts coming from down the street.  Before my friends mom pulled me inside I saw one man running, while five men were in close pursuit, their clothing was very baggy and it looked as though they were having trouble running because of their baggy pants.  We heard three very loud pops and even more shouts.  I peaked outside to see a man lying on the cracked street, blood covered his clothes.  Everything happened so fast the sound of sirens filled the air and suddenly the street that I was once standing right next to had become a crime scene.  Then suddenly the day that was supposed to be perfect had turned into a nightmare.  From that day on I could never look at the world the same, my childhood innocence had faded and now the world was suddenly a scary place. 

3 comments:

  1. "two lanes where barely visible."->"was" barely visible.

    Short, but very good. Great description. My only suggestion would be to find a way to incorperate more length into the story.

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  2. I like your description. Also, since it short, it makes it feel like everything is happening really fast, each event following the other.
    But still, I think you should expand it a little bit more.

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  3. Lots of decription, very nice.
    Do not use while and as.
    Take action in what the characters do.
    Change up the format like spacing and stuff for scenes.
    Try include dialogue.
    Correction mentioned by Carl and Carlos

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